I’m generally at a computer or desk when I write which leads to something substantial or of worth but today I am laying in bed, on my phone, with the window open, and it’s almost midnight.
The glitter left me two months post mission and now I am less put together than I had planned on being at this point in my life. They say your worst demons attack you when you get home and I just walked into one willingly and now am suffering the consequences. (“Stupid Bridget!”)
I don’t have the need for pity nor do I have the desire to explain what silly decisions I have made. Sometimes it’s just great to write and see your own words as though through third party eyes for the first time to gain some kind of objective insight.
I am trying to figure out what I want, right now. Aside from the obvious and ever self-reminded-despite-how-much-I-try-to-forget-it longing to be longed for and needed or ever just simply seen for what I really am or feel and with open arms welcomed into a person’s life. I’m currently sucking the poison out of my life and starting to consider going somewhere completely new, where nobody knows me and vice versa, zero connections or ties. Not even loose ones. No English, no technological connection with those outside of physical reach. I want to get dirty and walk shoeless and get sunburnt and sweaty and grow things and harvest things. I want the only music I hear to be the laughter of children or harmonic tribal song or the birds as the sun rises. I want to be so engaged I forget about food and showering and actually have the ability to fall asleep naturally and not out of necessity, because look I have to leave for work in 5 hours so I’d better close my eyes and hope something happens. I want to walk around with my monkeys on my shoulders with my snake around my wrist. And then when my best friend who doubles as my love interest walks with me the simple things like hand holding and letting people know he thinks I’m great exists not because he feels it’s a requirement or manipulated into doing/ not doing things on my behalf but because he’s just a genuine straight up person who thinks those things and wants to share them because he’s kind.
Utopia. And I genuinely have to get up in 5 hours,
Thanks for the eyeballing